You duped me O Lord, and I let myself
be duped

		Living the Scriptures  with St. Paul University  Catholic Center  Kathy Raab

I'm in a chess game with the Lord. The only problem is that I hate chess.

Give me a crossword puzzle or Sudoku - a few clues and I can figure out the answer. Not chess. Chess requires concentration, focus, endurance. Not my game. Too easy to be duped.

I've been playing this game for 43 years now. I anticipate His next move and try to preempt that with my own.

22nd Sunday in Ordinary Time (August 28, 2005) Jer 20:7-9 Ps 63:2, 3-4, 5-6, 8-9 Rom 12:1-2 Mt 16:21-27

Every trial I've been through - serious family health issues, divorce, depression, loneliness, doubt - each time I go through periods where I think I've let Him dupe me again. He hasn't been supporting me, has abandoned me.

But each time I've come out the winner. I've become stronger and more resilient and a better person. Yes, He duped me. I believed He wasn't there, but He was.

But I'm still recovering from the biggest dupe of all. No new trials, really. Everything was going well for me. I was handling things. Things were going so well, in fact, that I could take time to concentrate on my faith.

The more time I spent questioning, the more questions I had. In fact, there were so many questions and doubts that I thought I was better off on my own without so many rules and structures. Just me, practicing my faith as I wanted to, where I wanted to at the time I wanted to. It felt good.

I didn't have to be ready to practice Catholicism at the 9 a.m. Mass. I didn't have to attend Holy Day Masses. I didn't have to follow the guidelines. I could think for myself. No more man-made rules, only God-made rules. Freedom!

This chess game was going to be easy. He showed up with only one playing piece - the King! Unprotected, open, vulnerable. He had taught me to build up some walls, some protection, some faith in the playing pieces around me. I had the full set of playing pieces and He had only one. This game was over. I won!

Duped again. I let myself become detached. The despair from losing faith is greater than any other despair or trial I've been through. It makes you think in ways you've never thought before.

Maybe I really do need my Catholic faith. Maybe God wants me to have questions and doubts and disagreements with His church. Maybe He loves me despite all my shortcomings. Maybe He has the focus, concentration, and endurance to see this game through to the end.

	Reflection questions • Have I let myself be duped into believing that being a follower would be easy? • In what ways am I being called to be a prophet, like Jeremiah? How will I respond?

There He sits, King on one end, He hasn't moved. Steady and open as ever. Maybe He isn't duping me this time. Maybe it's for real.

I'm still trying to get the rules down and figure out His strategy. Maybe one day I'll figure out we're playing His game and not mine.

I don't want to be duped again.

Kathy Raab is operations manager at St. Paul University Catholic Center on the University of Wisconsin-Madison campus. She, her husband, and four children live in Madison, where she also runs her own business.

St. Paul's Web site is www.stpaulscc.org

Faith Alive!

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